who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
