Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
They took my balls.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
