Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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