You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
