I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
