his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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