I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
