Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize