just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
