Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
