I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
