Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
