There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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