Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
