Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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