Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
