Don't make out with my wife yet
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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