how can u be prego again
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
People in love make me want to vomit
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
