Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
