just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
