part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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