I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
