You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize