I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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