Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
