I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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