I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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