he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
