I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
he shaved USA in his pubs
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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