Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
