it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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