I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
