come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
