she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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