She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
