Redeem this text for a blowjob
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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