Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
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