just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Mom said you looked used
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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