last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
