I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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