the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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