Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
