I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
