Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
