i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
