I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
no, he came in my armpit
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
