Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I deserve this hangover.
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