Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
