He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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