Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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