I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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