Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The beer is more important than you right now.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
