um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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