I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
