Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
