so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
