Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
