Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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