Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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