someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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