Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
third nipple confirmed
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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