Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
